To Whom It May Concern

I used to write a lot of letters. Letters to the editor, letters of complaint, letters of congratulations, letters to my friends and lovers. I haven't done much letter writing lately so I thought I would take some time today to write a few brief letters and get some things off my chest.


Dear WaMu,
I'm sorry I did not have the opportunity to personally respond to your offer as it just arrived in the mail yesterday. Had I been given more time I would have advised you that I have no job and no longer even go by the last name Caudill so perhaps sending me a credit card offer is not the best possible business practice. But then I guess you know that now.

Sincerely,
Me

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Dear King (of America) George,

Don't touch anything, don't do anything, and don't say anything. Just go kick back at the ranch and wait this out and we'll deal with it later. It's best if you don't screw anything else up for now.

Go away.

Sincerely,
-Me (and a whole bunch of other people)

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Dear Corrupt Corporate White Guys,

I know a lot of you feel that welfare is for lazy people who want to steal from the American taxpayer. Perhaps you are right. Enjoy your welfare uh I mean bailout.

Screw you,
Me

P.S.

Stop crying, the tears might cause water damage to the the interior of your yacht.

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Dear Skeezy Guys in the Club,

My friends and I just wanted to come out and dance and have a good time. We're all married now and if we wanted you to come grind on us we would invite you over or at least make eye contact with you. Go find some young college girl to molest and let us old ladies have some fun.

Sincerely,

Me

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Dear Chester Dog,

I feed you every day and I give you plenty of snacks. Why are you constantly embarrassing me by licking the kitchen floor?

Love,
The Pretty Lady who bosses you around

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Dear Almost everyone Rick and I have met and will meet in Texas,

No we do not have children. It is none of your god damn business why we don't have any kids. I know this may come as a shock to you but not everyone has kids these days. The Colonial era has ended. You don't see me asking you why you can't seem to stop having kids do you? You're nice enough but mind your business.

Thanks,

-Me
P.S.

Do you really need to bring all your kids to Walmart with you? It's really screwing up my shopping experience.

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Dear people who say if a Democrat gets elected President we will become Socialist,

Do you even actually know what real socialism is? If we want to use your vague interpretation, we are already socialist and have tons of ridiculous government programs with a Republican in office so I don't know what you're so worked up about. If you are actually worried about real socialism, allow me to remind you that we have a Congress, a Senate, and a Supreme Court who are all supposed to have a say about the laws of the land and the Constitutionality of the programs we offer. This is not a Dictatorship. We have checks and balances to avoid a total disruption of our democracy. The President isn't supposed to be able to do anything and everything that strikes him like oh say, declare war without asking anyone's permission first. We have three branches of government for a reason.

-Me

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Dear Barack Obama,

Don't worry about Pakistan and Afghanistan right now. I know you are trying to look tough so that the American people don't think you are a pussy but Osama Bin Laden is the last of our concerns right now so just don't go there. Also, why did you have to pick Joe Biden?

Much Love,

Me

P.S.

If you get elected, please don't turn into Jimmy Carter ok?

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Dear Joe Biden,

I know I've spent a lot of time ripping on Sarah Palin but just so we're clear, I don't like you either. In fact, I kind of think you're a jackass. Actually, I DO think you're a jackass.

No Love,

Me

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Dear Democrats who think John McCain is the devil,

I know he's old and for the last 8 years he's been pandering to the Evangelicals but he really isn't that bad. In fact he's a pretty good guy all around and in the past has been pretty moderate. Of course he has his head up his party's ass right now, he's trying to get elected. If he gets the job the nation will not be destroyed. Now if he dies in office you may want to plan your exit strategy but otherwise don't sweat it.

Sincerely,

Me

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Dear John McCain,

If you get elected will the real you come back? Boy I sure hope so. My magic 8 ball said "Outlook not good" but it's only right about 50% of the time.

Love,

Me

P.S.

I don't know what moron you let talk you into picking Sarah but you should fire that guy.

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Dear Sarah,
When you are practicing your foreign policy experience by "keeping an eye" on Russia do you use binoculars or do you just stand at the border and look out over the water?
Sincerely,
Me
P.S.
What???? What in the hell are you talking about? Is this why they don't let you talk much?